Fancy- Chiana vs Jool
by Rozi
Summary: Chiana and Jool hate each others guts, so they place a bet to see whose the better woman. Who ever seduces a guy in a bar first wins. The fur's gonna fly!


Fancy- Chiana vs. Jool 

**_Farscape fic by Rozi_**

**__**

*** I wrote this after listening to Destiny's Child's Survivor album, the track "Fancy" kinda reminded me of Chiana and Jool. I liked the whole "Ryoko and Ayeka" relationship these two had. I just had to write a fic after I heard the song, because I'd never find enough clips to make a video! As always, feedback is craved. Thank you!*** 

"Chiana!"

"WHAT!"

"You've been stealing my stuff AGAIN!"

Those arguments were becoming regular now. 

John and D'argo sat eating breakfast as the raised voices of Moya's resident harlot and the scream queen came closer to the dining room.

"Oh God," John muttered, "what the hell is wrong now?"

His Luxan friend shrugged "Probably best to just let them discuss it between themselves."

"SLUT!"

"BRAT!"

"Or," John said, standing up "we could intervene and eat breakfast without having our ear drums melted."

"That is a VERY good idea."

They stood up to meet the two women as they were ready for a full-scale-screaming match. One that Jool would surely win.

"Jool! Chiana!"

They stopped at D'argo's booming voice. 

John coughed "Right, what the hell is going on now?"

Both of them tried to make their voices heard at the same time. 

"GIRLS!"

They stopped.

"One at a time PLEASE," said John.

Chiana coughed "She accused me of taking her hair lotion-"

"Which you did."

"I did NOT!"

"YES YOU DID!"

"ONE AT A TIME!" Cried John.

"Sorry."

"Now… Chiana, she said you stole her hair lotion," John said calmly.

"Yes," the Nebari replied, "but she-"

"Jool, why do you think that she stole it?"

"Because she's a thief, a liar and a trelk!" Jool cried.

"Least I'm not a screaming cry-baby!"

"Oh for Gods sake…" John said in exasperation, "will you behave like civilised hum- people! For ONCE! Sheesh, and Pilot thought WE were bad!"

D'argo nodded in agreement "At least we don't scream loud and high enough to melt metal."

"Okay, I am TIRED of your bickering girls, so I will attempt to solve it, Chiana, it has been known that you tend to steal. That makes you a likely suspect-"

"HAH!" Jool punched the air triumphantly.

"BUT!" Interrupted D'argo "Jool did take Chiana's perfume."

Chiana turned to Jool "You what?!"

"Hey!" Jool stared at D'argo "I didn't-"

"I can smell it metres away," D'argo said tapping the side of his nose.

"I was just borrowing it," muttered Jool.

"So when I take stuff it's stealing, but when princess takes stuff it's BORROWING!"

"I was going to give it back!"

"I was going to give your lotion back!"

"No you weren't!"

"You don't trust me?"

"As much as I trust Rygel!"

"SPOILED BRAT!"

"WHORE!"

"This is getting us no where," muttered D'argo.

"I know," John said pinching his nose, "it's like being at home with my sisters- Jool! Chiana! For the love of God! Can't you two just…"

They stopped and turned to look at him.

"… Just… agree to disagree? Compromise? Anything!"

"NO!" The first thing they had said in unison.

"Fine, then just… stay away from each other. FAR away from each other, try not to argue and let us all have a civilised breakfast."

They glared at each other one last time before getting their food and sitting on separate tables.

John sighed with relief, D'argo smiled "Always the peacemaker, how do you do it?"

"Ever tried to break up to warring sisters when they were arguing about whose Barbie was whose? Especially when the Barbie in question is used as a projectile weapon? Trust me, you learn things."

"Crichton's right."

"He is?" 

Chiana and Jool's paths crossed again in command.

"Yeah," Chiana said sitting on a control panel, "we really should stop arguing."

"I'm not the one who starts them."

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"Shush!"

Chiana sighed, "This is how it always starts!"

Jool nodded "Yeah… you're right, we do fight a lot."

"A lot?! More like every single frelling day! We have to sort it out."

"How? We already have quarters on different sides of the ship, we can't go any further apart."

Chiana bit her lip thoughtfully "Hmmm… I have an idea."

"Oh good," Jool scoffed, "listen Chiana, you may be lose, but I'm not that kind of woman-"

"Jool, number 1; why do you think all of my ideas involve sex?"

"Because they usually do."

"Well, you're half right, but it doesn't have to be sex exactly and number two, neither am I, even I have my limits."

"Hah."

"Shut up and listen to my idea, right… okay. We'll be stopping soon, at a large commerce planet, we'll have a bet."

Jool looked perplexed, "What kind of a bet?"

Chiana smiled slyly "Hmmm… one that will ensure who's the better woman."

"I have a bad feeling-"

"Repress it princess, I'm talking."

Jool pulled a face.

Chiana continued "We go to a local drink proprietors-"

"I knew drink would come into it somewhere."

"Shut up, anyway, the first one to get… hah… a guy a little more than interested wins."

There was a pause.

"So what you're saying is, the first one to win the game of "free the mivonks" becomes the better woman."

"Yep."

"It's the most frelling stupid thing I have EVER heard!"

Chiana shrugged "Fine, too afraid to watch me win then that's fine. I wouldn't want to enter a competition knowing I'd lose-" 

"I could beat you any day of the weekan!" Jool cried.

"Oh really? I know how to get into a man's pants, believe me."

"All you do is stick your chest into their face!"

"What can I say? Men are easily amused."

"Well SOME men like sophisticated women who will offer intelligent conversation."

"Which is why they'd avoid you, I mean why would any self respecting guy go for a spoilt, screaming little daddy's girl like you for intelligent conversation?"

"Shut up you grey faced little trelk!"

Chiana smiled in triumph "Am I on?"

"You bet your frelling LIFE you're on!"


End file.
